I'm · Just · Me

oh how drastically life changes. So much has changed since my last entry and looking back I realize it hasn't exactly been the easiest time in my life but I'm okay. Actually, better than okay. Josh and I are officially over. We ended up getting back together after my last entry for oh, about another two or three months. We actually had some really, really amazing times in those last two or three months. No matter what happens, I'll always look back on those times with fondness. I broke it off sometime in June because I was just realizing that this wasn't going to work. Not even because of age, just because of what he wouldn't give. It got pretty dark there for awhile. I'm with someone now, have been for three months or so. His name is Justin and he brightened up my dark world. He's good for me and good to me. Josh is still around, doing the same old thing. We talk fairly often. He told me once not too long ago, maybe a couple of weeks, that on this earth or in even he'd never forget me because I was the best damn person he'd ever had. I cried and realized that it's still for the best. We just weren't meant to be. That's okay. That's finally, really okay.

It's cold out again. We're closing in on middle of October here in northewest Minnesota. Yay. Not. No snow yet, thank you God. Jersey, my dog, is doing wonderfully, actually barking at me right now to come back inside. See? Even she doesn't like the cold.

I'll update more later. Right now I have a plate full of eggs and warm toast-and Jersey-waiting for me.

I guess I just need a reminder of how beautiful life can be. That there's something out there that is worth holding out for. Something that will bring a smile once more to my face and take my breath away. That all of my days won't always be filled with tears and regrets and wondering how the hell I am going to get through just one more day.

I lost Josh.

I know that I'm sixteen, I know he's too old for me, I know there are other fish in the sea, and I know that God has an amazing plan out there for me. But I also know that I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone and that when I looked into his eyes, I saw everything that I never knew that I wanted. All of my dreams came true, my life exploded into so many wonderful things that I never knew they could be. He gave me hope. He gave me reason. He gave me smiles. He gave me laughter. He gave me so much and I guess the price to pay for all of that is a broken heart.

Right now, it is so cold outside that when you breathe too deep, it hurts. I've become quite accustomed to that feeling, even when it isn't cold. Yes, there are days that I just want to curl up in bed and not doing anything. That it hurts to breathe. But I'll be okay... I always am.

And that's only occasionally. If you ask her very nice and there isn't anything else going on, she'll sit or lay down for you. Actually, she's gotten to the point where she just sits when she sees the treas and then after she gets the first one she'll automatically lay down because she knows my drill. I've never been able to teach her how to dance (by herself that is. She's been known to dance with us when the occasion arises) She doesn't come when you want her to, she doesn't stay when you want her to because she is, after all, a princess. She thinks that means she's exempt from rules.

She's the biggest brat I've ever met. She's downright rude when you don't play with her and she's never gotten used to the way that our walks work. She thinks that the whole walk is suppose to be darting and dashing and dragging me behind as she goes to various trees. She eats out of the garbage can, she jumps, she sniffs crotches, she barks in the middle of the night even when nothing is there, and shes so full of energy that it tires me out incredibly.

But if I were ever to be in trouble, she'd be there. In a heart beat. No question about it.

She's gorgeous. She's part great-dane and lab, with a dark blond fur and brown eyes that are always filled with curiosity. She seems to know when my heart's been broken and I just need someone to hold onto. She'll crawl into my lap or she'll lay next to me and she doesn't think twice about spending the next couple of hours, comforting me.

She's like everyday-in-your-face reminder of how precious life is. To seize the moment and to not be afraid to let someone know how you feel. That this could be your one shot at true happiness, the kind that you've always waited for. That you should grab the people that you love and hold them so near that they'll always know your there for them. That you get but one life to live and it's your job to make the best of it.

So yes, she's a brat. Yes, she needs work on her manners but she's also the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. She's loyal, she's loving, and if I ever need her I have no doubt she'd be there.

Man's best friend? Damn straight.

It was a year ago today that we lost an amazing man. In many ways, his death was glossed over by people who critized his life style and the way that he made his living. But Eddie Guerrero was an amazing man. I've never had the priveledge of meeting him which is something that I deeply regret. He was a guy who looked his problems in the eye and said "I'm not going to do that anymore." He was someone who owned up to what he did and when he lost everything, he fought like hell to get it back. It is said that the characte of a man isn't decided by how many times he falls but by how many times he picks himself back up. Eddie Guerrero fell and he fell hard but he never failed to pick himself back up.

He was thirty eight years old when he died. He'd been sober from drugs and alcohol for four years and a born-again Christian. It is believed that the day that he died was the day that he was to get the World Heavyweight Championship. Something that he had worked for his whole life. But, like his friends had feared, they found him dead in his hotel room that very morning. A year ago today.

His death saddened wrestling fans and people around the world. Eddie's joy and his love for the wrestling business and his family was contagious. He was amazing in the ring, you believed everything that he was doing. He lied, he cheated, and he stole all of our hearts. Now, I believe that he is up in heaven, looking down on all of us and I hope to God that he is patting himself on the back for all the good that he has done.

Viva La Raza, Eddie. We love you and we miss you...even if it's been a year.

Love Always,

B

I had a really good day yesterday. I was cruisin around, bored out of my mind, and I admit, hoping to see Josh. He was out at his shop and he saw me before I even saw him and stood there waving and grinning. I think I talked to him for an hour before I had to leave to go get ready to for work.

We just sat and talked about so many things, laughing and having a good time. We talked about stuff that we don't usually talk about and then of course, we talked abour racing. He's having a tough time deciding what he wants to do for the 07 season and what he has the money to do.He asked me what I think he should do. I don't know what to tell him honestly. I want him to race at RCS so bad but I know how much work he's put into his Super and how much more work it would be to change to a midwest mod now. But I felt honored that he asked me because he looked at me like my opinion really mattered to him. It was a nice feeling.

I was walking away and I decided to look back just for the heck of it to see if he'd still be watching me. He was still standing there, grinning. I'm suppose to help him get an ad ready to sell his Super which should be fun. He's suppose to write down what he wants said and then I'll post it for him.

Then I went to work and it all turned to crap. Mike asked me out on a date for Friday. I've decided to go and I'm just going to be honest with him and tell him that I can't be in that kind of relationship with him.

Love Always,

Brit

It was just a glimpse. I went up to my work to get lunch today and he was driving past. He looked at me and he smiled and waved. But I know him so well that he looked sad to me. I wanted nothing more than to just make him pull over, skip the rest of my day at school, and talk to him. But he kept on driving, I waved back and then I went back to school. He was parked at an apartment complex thing and of course, I wondered who he was seeing. If there's a girl in his life and all that sort of things.

Later I went up to the gas station and I saw him parked there again and the same doubts and fears plaqued me. I am more than willing to put everything else on hold, to wait for him and not date anyone else if he wanted me to. If I felt that I was waiting for something.

But then I went up to my work to visit a friend and I saw Josh's friend who's name is also Josh. lol. I finally was just straight with him. I straight up asked him if Josh had a girlfriend and he told that he didn't think so. Then I told him that we all knew that Josh was more to me than just some guy at the races. He said that they all knew that. Then I asked him if I was just a fan to him, if it meant anything at all to him and if I should just walk away right now. He looked me straight in the eye and said "Brittany, don't give up now. I know that it matters to him. The only thing that's holding him back is that he's afraid of the age thing and getting in trouble. If you were eighteen, I can gaurantee that he'd be all over you."

It made my day.

If I'm being honest, it made a lot more than just my day. It made my month, my year and it gave me the strength to keep on going with this, to keep on believing that it's not all for nothing. So thank you, Josh. I owe you one!

Love Always,

B

This entry is just going to be one big, immature rant. Ready?

*rant*

I talked to Rachel for the first time in a long time today. She told me that she missed me and that she wanted to be friends agian. I admit, I miss her, too but I'm not ready to be friends with her again because quite frankly, I'm not sure that I want to deal with her shit anymore. She treated me like shit a lot of the time and...I meant it when I said I was done with it. So now, she's using Josh to try and get me to talk to her again? How freaking cheap is that? She knows that he's the one thing that I can't resist and I miss him so much right now. She's babysitting for his sister righ now (He lives with his sister) and I told her she was lucky (Kids are adorable and then I'd have a chance of seeing Josh) So then she's like, hey you should come over then. It's like, no,I'm not ready to talk to you yet and I'm not ready to be friends with you yet. Your hurt me so bad.

Then, I guess Josh's sister found out that I like him which I'm not entirely sure is a good thing. Wendy, a girl I'm friends with but she's a lot older then me and is friends with Josh's sister. I'm wonderng if I shouldn't have told her about how I feel about Josh because I'm worried she's going to end up messing up everything.

And then my mom goes and calls what I feel about Josh a crush. It's like if it were just a crush I would of walked away a long time ago. I wouldn't spend all this time thinking about him for almost two years. It woudln't matter this much and I wouldn't of put so much into him. She doesnt' understand and then she goes and acts like she does.

*ends rant*

I don't feel any better.

I never asked to feel this way about him. I guess really it is my own fault that I'm still sitting here, nearly two years later, dreaming about him and all that I want to have with him one day.

It's amazing the things that you miss. How easily the little things spiral out of control and then it just becomes your whole world. Everything that you are and you just miss him like crazy You just want him to be there just to so that he's there and you don't have to feel so alone anymore. Whenever he's near the world does't seem so huge and it doesn't seem so scary.

I miss his voice, I miss his laugh, his eyes, his smile, his sideburns and red hair, I miss the way that he looks at me and how shy and adorable he is. I miss...so much about him. It truly breaks my heart to think for even a second that I won't have that one day. That he'll never be mine...

But my job is to be strong. To trust that God brought me to this and he'll bring me through this.

*sigh* life's in that sucky mode at this moment.

Today has been a crazy but a good day. We're having quarter finals at school so I've been busy studying and all of that fabulous stuff lately. I should be doing that right now also buuuutttt...I thought I'd post another entry. Work was busy for awhile and then it kind of slowed down. I got out of there on time which is always good. Customers were cool and fun today so that's an extra bonus.

Tomorrow will be thirteen days with no Josh. This is getting to be really, really hard. I seem to see his family all the time but I can't ever seem to see him. I wonder if he misses me at all or if it's just me, thinking that this is more than it really is.

That weekend in Jamestown was amazing. He sat by me and we'd just sit there and stare at each other, smiling. He'd put his hand on my back and reach for me when something excited happened during the race. We were walking around after the races together and he was walking close to me, just staring down at me and smiling, his shoulder pressed up against mine. He was going to leave countless times that night but I kept asking him to stay and he would. He wasn't going to come to the races the next day but I asked him to and right when I was sure that he wasn't going to come, there he is. Smiling at me and making his way towards me.

He teaches me things, he's patient, he's kind, he's funny, he's sweet, he's handsome, he has the prettiest blue eyes I've ever seen. He loves racing and that's something that we share. I want that for him. My dream is to get him in a sprint car one day and watch him make it big. I want to be with him every step of the way. But more than anything else in this entire world, I want him to be happy. I want all of his dreams to come true and I want him to have the kind of life that he deserves, even if that's not with me.

It's hard when I hear about him with other girls but I know that if they aren't right for him, I will be here when they are gone. And if they are right for him, well then he's happy and that's the only thing that matters, right? And if he's not the one for me than God has someone else who is.

But I'll never regret a moment with him. He's a very special person to me and I think that he always will be. But I still don't think that our story is anywhere near over....

Love Always,

B

At this very moment, the cutest baby in the whole wide world (at least I think) is sleeping on my couch, all snug in his warm blankets, looking so cute it makes my heart ache. Is name is Karson, he's three months old and he's my nephew. When we all found out that my unmarried brother was having a baby with a girl that he'd been kind of off and on with for awhile naturally we all thought "Oh God, help him." but it's turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to him. And now I got to be an aunt, which I totally love.

My day was a little on the boring side but that's all right. Sometimes no news is good news. lol. No work tonight so I'm just hanging out here with little Mr. Karson. We played for awhile and it amazes me by how much I already love him. I'll have to post a picture sometime. Later,like after I get off the computer, I plan on making chocolate chip cookies. Last time it was a total disaster but I'm hoping for better results this time around.

Yes, Yuki, Josh is a total sweetheart. When I first met him, I wasn't really interested in him but then I was having a really bad night and he just kept looking at me and telling me that everything was going to be all right. It was a hard time for me and I wasn't believing that anything was going to be all right again but for some reason, when he said it to me, I believed him. He's an amazing guy. Kind of the shy quiet type until you get to know him and then he's a riot. I adore him.

Well, I had better get going. Lots to do before the little guy wakes up.

Love Always,

B

I think that I am getting a little too in love with this whole LJ thing. I mean, come on, I've already posted like, what? three entries and I've only had this thing since yesterday or the day before. This is getting bad. And this is my second entry of today. And nothing even really excitable happened at work tonight, I just really have a lot on my mind latey.

First of all, working with Rachel tonight was...tension. And lots of it. I catch her looking at me when I don't expect her to be and she just stares at me. I try to smile or something but she just glares and turns away. Tonght, I asked her what time she wanted me to take over the front and she just like, snapped, at me. I'm like Woah! Sorry. But then, it's really weird. She'll just start talking to me like nothing happened one minute and then the next...we're back to the way it was.

I know this sounds so petty and so teenage-like but...we've never been like this before. The longest we've ever been mad at each other like this (where we aren't talking) is maybe at the very most, two days. Now on Friday it'll be three weeks. It's sad for me because I've always had her and always known that she'll be there but I know that I'm not ready to be friends with her again. A lot of good has happened in me since we "Threw in the towel" Me and my mom are getting along again, I'm not so angry, I listen to people, I spend time with my family, I'm WRITING again. While we were hanging out all the time I was so bitter and angry and busy that all the writing channels for me just got clogged up and nothing would come out.

So, it's really starting to look like it's for the better that we "broke up" but that doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt.

There's this guy that I work with and his name is Mike. When I first started working there I had a crush on him. This lasted until he told me that I had no chance with him. It hurt a little for awhile and then I got over it. It was just a crush. But now, he's got something for me. He's asked me out a couple of times and he's always calling me things like "dear" and "sweetheart" and "honey". Don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy but we're just friends. I couldn't date him. We're TOO good of friends for that. I'm scared that we'd mess it up. Plus, I'm already learning how difficult it is to still work together when things end.

Then the other reason I could never date him is because of Josh. For two years, he's been the greatest guy ever for me and lately, things have been shifting between us. He's finally realizing that I'm not so young and that I've been there this whole time for him and I'm not going anywhere. I really do love him. I just need to be patient.

Love Always,

B

Okay, I won't even pretend to be big into this Halloween stuff because I am just not. I used to be. I used to love getting all dressed up and going out to get too much candy but maybe now because I'm sixteen and too old for custumes and trick-or-treating I'm just not into it anymore. Or maybe I'm just bitter because I have to work tonight. WooHoo!

It snowed yesterday. A lot. It was like a blizzard. They were even talking about closing school down today but of course, they didn't. I swear, I have no luck at all. I just got my license this summer so today was my first time driving in snow. What an experience. I swear to God, I just want to move down south so that I don't ever have to deal with it. You pretty much have absolutely no control over the car, your just hanging on for dear life and prayin that the only thing you hit is a snow bank and not another car. On the way to school today, cars were spinning around in circles. I felt like I was watching a NASCAR race and someone had just won.

Currently I am bitter because I hate winter. It's cold, you have to wear winter jackets, your shoes get wet and filled with snow, you slip on ice, it's hard to drive in, I can't walk my dog or really walk, period. (Okay, I can but when it's this cold and this slippery and you have a huge dog who pulls A LOT why would you want to?) So I try to think about the good stuff. Like hot chocolate, big warm sweaters and blankets and a good book, white Christmas, and that it can kind of sometimes look a little bit pretty but mostly it just looks frozen and dead especially because there are like, no hills up here. So as hard as I try, the only things that come to mind are fifty below, slush, ice, and no racing. I swear, it's enough to make a girl cry.

It has now been ten days that I haven't seen Josh. I work tonight so maybe if I'm really, super lucky he'll come in but I've worked there for over a year and he hasn't come in a single time. But I really, really, really freaking miss him. *sigh*

Love Always,

B

We'd been best friends since I was born. Literally. Our mom's were sisters and we were just really, really close. We grew up together. She knows everything about me. We had one of those freaky kind of friendships that we could look at each other and know exactly what the other was thinking or feeling. We lived thirty miles apart but I practically lived at her house during the summers and we had so much fun together.

She had a younger sister and she was, quite honestly, always the tag-a-long. I hope she doens't read this because it'd hurt her to know that. Rachel and I were interested in boys and make-up and fashion and Tiffany just wasn't. I think she always felt hurt by how close Rachel and I were.

When my old boyfriend committed suicide she was there for me. She sat on the phone with me for hours and held my while I cried. She listened to me talk about him and she was just there for me. Totally and completely. The next summer we were even more inseperable. People would joke about her being my other half. We never really fought or had disagreements on really anything. We went to the races every Friday together and we had a blast. And that's when it started to go bad, I guess if I'm being truly honest.

There was this guy that I really, really liked. I can even say that I honestly love him. His name is Josh and Rachel totally knew how I felt about this guy but everytime that she'd see him she'd sit there and flirt with him. Like crazy. It got to the point where I wasn't worried about other girls trying to steal him awy from me, I was worried about Rachel trying to steal him away from me.

Rachel has always been loud. She's tall and a heavy-set girl. She used to lack self-confidence but then that turned into thinking that everyone absolutely loved her and every single guy wanted to date her. She'd twist things around and make herself look better, even if it meant making everyone else, including me look bad. Or feel bad. She could never be wrong.

She met this girl named Tasha and when I first met her I liked her a lot. I thought she was a really cool, down-to-earth girl. Then I met the real Tasha. There was this guy that I started hanging out with and I started to like him and we exchanged phone numbers and then we were talking all of the time. Tasha and him had sort-of-dated once but she swore to me that she was over him and it wasn't a big deal and all of that. She waits and till this guy and I are getting pretty close and then she tells me that she still has feelings for him. I'm like what the hell!? and she sitting there trying to convine me to walk away from him so she can decide if she wants him or not. She also kissed Rachel's kind-of-boyfriend. Guess what? Rachel forgave her and then later on she has the nerve to tell ME that I never gave Tasha a chance and that Tasha never did anything to me.

Rachel moved here in March because she didn't get along with her mom. For awhile everything was wonderful, we were best friends, we were together, it was pretty much like we had the world at our feet. I couldn't of been happier. Until Rachel changed. She became more selfish and I felt so stupid most of the time when I was with her. She'd openly flirt with Josh, the guy that I'm still in love with, and she just became this awful person.

I finally told her off a few weeks ago. Our relationship ended in a big "fuck you" We cant't even look at each other anymore and we are't speaking at all. I know this must be hard for a lot of people to understand. The truth is, she changed me and it wasn't for the better. I was angry all of the time and since she's been gone, I feel like i can really, really breathe again.

But she's been hanging out with "party hardy" crowd and I'm kind of worried about her My mom keeps telling me that she's going to get pregnant or some awful thing and she wants me to talk to her Dad. I know this sounds so petty and it's so hard for me right now. I guess I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I miss her but then other times, I'm so glad that it's over. But I still don't want her to get hurt. Not making any sense and this is sooooooooo long that i'm getting off.

Love Always,

B

Okay, since this is my first entry and I have no idea what to write I will most likely bore you all to death but I think it'd be really cool if someone replied. I hope that this becomes a pretty cool place for me. So, I guess I should tell you a little bit more about myself.

I found this place because I'm a huge Sarah Dessen fan and I read her live journal. Well, I replied to a couple of her entries and got tired of being known as "anonymous" so I made myself an account. And then I decided if I was going to have an account, I mine as well make myself a journal so here I am...

rcrgirl stand for racergirl because I'm a huge race fan. It used to be just horse racing and then I started getting into NASCAR and then my cousins dragged me to one of the dirt tracks around here (it's actually clay but whatever) and I fell in love. I absolutely love racing and well argue with anyone who tries to tell me that it's just cars going around in circles. My favorite NASCAR driver is Jimmie Johnson (I met him once. Ah!) And for the dirt track around here, I'd honestly have to say that Sprint Cars are the most fun to watch. They are a blast! But if it's racing, I'm there.

Onto other things. Um, I love, love, love to write. Mostly right now it's still fairly short stories although I'm trying to work my way up to Novel length. Maybe one day I'll get a little bit wild and post one of them on here. My favorite book is Mrs. Mike with Marley and Me in a close second. And then of course, anything by Sarah Dessen.

That's all that I will bore you with today. Any questions, let me know. I'd love to get to know you.

Love Always,

B